I thought I saw my fiance holding another man’s hand—then her phone habits suddenly changed.

Part 1:
I can hardly believe I’m in this situation.

I’m not sure where to begin.

My fiance and I have been together for 5 years.

I’m in my early 40s, and she’s in her early 30s.

We’re scheduled to get married this summer.

Our love remains as strong as it was in the first few months of our relationship.

We initially met at work, where we were colleagues in different departments.

Our solid and respectful friendship eventually blossomed into something more.

Throughout our time together, we’ve been genuinely happy.

Our bed life is satisfying, we have no financial worries, and we share trust, respect, open communication, and common interests.

We have a lot of fun together, and there’s no mistrust or insecurity when we pursue our individual interests.

One thing I must confess is that when we first met at work, she was engaged to someone else.

While I never engaged in any unfaithful behavior, I’m not that kind of person, I have to admit there were moments when I felt she flirted with me inappropriately.

Fast forward to this past September.

With Co more under control in our area, we hosted a small dinner party for three other couples on a Saturday night.

My fiance, who enjoys hosting such events, insisted on assigning seating at the table for everyone.

She sat between one of her close female friends and the friend’s husband, whom I’ll call Bob.

During the meal, as I moved between the kitchen and the dining area while everyone chatted happily and enjoyed some drinks, I caught what seemed like an odd sight.

When I glanced back at my fiance and Bob, it appeared as if they were holding hands under the table.

The story isn’t over yet.

Part 2:
I looked away, rubbed my eyes, and when I looked back, they were not doing that anymore.

But it was one of those moments when it’s like discovering a break-in at your house.

You return home, and your eyes register the chaos, but your brain takes a moment or even minutes to process it all.

In fact, part of your brain tries to convince you that this isn’t what it looks like, or you did this, but you forgot you left the place like this.

It was a similar feeling.

Consequently, I started to become more watchful of her and felt less secure in our relationship.

Fast forward to November, and I began to notice something.

Some nights, when we were both exhausted, we like to unwind in front of the TV, each with our laptops or phones.

She’s active on Facebook with many friends, so she spends a lot of time there during our relaxation sessions.

However, starting in November and continuing to the present day, I noticed that she positioned herself just subtly enough so that I couldn’t see her screen.

It was a subtle change, but I don’t think I was imagining it, as we used to be able to see each other’s screens when sitting on the couch together.

Before this, I considered inviting Bob and his wife to our planned January vacation.

However, I dislike Bob, and a lingering feeling of unease made me hesitant.

But since I couldn’t provide solid reasons for excluding them, my fiance grew frustrated with me.

In any case, due to circumstances like Co, we ended up having to cancel the holiday.

After reading many threads here, I realize I’m fortunate in some ways because we’re not married, have no kids, and I lack concrete evidence of anything going on.

However, my intuition is on high alert, though not at a critical level yet.

I’m starting to feel ashamed of how much this emerging obsession is affecting my life.

Here’s where I need input.

Should I consider taking steps to essentially spy on her?

This could involve hiring a private investigator, using a voice-activated recorder in her car, or, which I see as a major violation of boundaries, attempting to access her various devices.

I’ll conclude this as I began it.

I can’t believe I’m in this situation.

Update.

Before I clarify further, it’s essential to mention that I registered here about a month ago.

I wrote my initial post sometime before that, as it felt good to get my thoughts out at the time.

However, a significant change has occurred between then and now, particularly in our bed life.

The frequency of our closeness has subtly decreased, which isn’t inherently problematic, as relationships have their ups and downs.

What stood out was an incident about a week ago that prompted me to return here and gather the courage to post.

After we just had closeness, I suddenly realized that my fiance had approached our bed life differently than usual, not just on that occasion, but perhaps the previous two, three times as well.

So, without much forethought, I commented, “Hey, there’s something different about the way you’ve been close with me.”
What struck me as odd was: A, she appeared startled.

B, she denied it initially.

But then C, the next day she said, “I think you’re imagining it, and besides, it’s okay to change things up in that department once in a while, don’t you think?”
What’s frustrating is that if I hadn’t noticed the possible handholding incident, I probably wouldn’t have been bothered or suspicious by subsequent clues.

Answers and questions.

I’d prefer to gather evidence rather than confront the issue.

Confrontation without solid proof isn’t my style.

It’s not entirely that I don’t trust her, but my gut is telling me to be very concerned.

My intuition is rarely wrong.

Editing.

Where should I position the voice-activated recorder?

Your point about the short-term cost of hiring a private investigator versus the potential expenses of a messy divorce makes sense.

Additionally, I earn twice as much as she does.

Unfortunately, I wouldn’t have any luck contacting her previous fiance because he unfairly placed more blame on me than her for their breakup.

That’s entirely inaccurate, but he wouldn’t be a trustworthy or reliable source.

Thankfully, we’re renters for now, but we plan to purchase our own property by Christmas of this year.

Real estate in our city is outrageously expensive, so we’ve been taking it slow.

While we currently live together, it’s a situation that could be easily terminated, and we no longer work at the same place.

Yes, sadly, she’s had her phone glued to her for months now.

I honestly can’t recall the last time I saw it lying around.

This detail troubles me deeply, as does my blindness to what it might signify.

Editing part two.

I should mention that I’ve started the investigative process in several ways.

Additionally, I have a business trip out of town scheduled for the weekend after Easter, providing a natural opportunity to observe her actions in my absence.

Quick update.

I’ve hired a private investigator, and they begin their work tomorrow.

I’ve realized that I can’t wait for 2 and a half weeks to ease my conscience, so last night I had a heart-to-heart with my oldest and closest friend.

He’s now aware of what I’m going through, and I’m flying out to his city tomorrow evening for an extended weekend there.

I’ve informed my fiance about the trip, and her emotional response seemed oddly mixed.

Regardless, if something is amiss, it may become apparent during this opportunity.

At this point, I’ve decided against using a voice-activated recorder.

With the wedding set for September, we haven’t invested a significant amount of money in it yet, and what we have spent can likely be recovered, for example, refundable deposits.

In other words, this won’t turn into a messy legal or financial situation.

If she’s cheating, I’ll quietly exit the relationship without causing a scene.

The potential trauma of discovering her infidelity is already overwhelming, and I don’t need to hear her exchanging sweet nothings with another man.

Furthermore, as some of you have gently suggested, this situation has altered my perception of her, and it has shed light on potentially larger issues in the relationship, even without infidelity.

I just met with the private investigator.

She’s indeed cheating on me with the individual I mentioned.

I’m in shock and utterly devastated.

On Friday night, he stayed overnight at our place with her and didn’t leave until the next morning.

On Saturday night, for some reason, they stayed in a hotel until the following morning.

The private investigator has provided timestamped photographic evidence.

I’m too numb to write any further.

Update.

It’s been quite a day.

A good friend who knew about my situation provided tremendous support and was prepared when I shared the unfortunate news with him.

I was on autopilot at work, but later in the afternoon I managed to take some time off.

My friend went to Bob’s wife’s house, the other betrayed spouse.

I apologize for my slow understanding of the acronyms here.

He rang the doorbell and personally handed her the photos of my fiance and Bob.

These photos are timestamped and explicit, leaving no doubt about what was happening.

Perhaps the most troubling one is from the hotel, where they were kissing at dinner and then the next morning sharing a kiss goodbye in the parking lot.

It’s baffling how brazen they were.

They weren’t even in another city.

However, the worst one is the first photo from Friday night when Bob arrived at my place.

Since we live in a duplex, she had to open the front door to let him in.

The photo captures the pure joyous excitement in her eyes, a moment I’ll never forget for as long as I live.

About an hour later, my friend went to my place after delivering the photos to the other betrayed spouse.

He handed my fiance a package I had prepared for her.

Inside were the photos and a simple note from me.

I expressed that my future goodwill toward her, not in person but in my mind, would depend on her willingness to come clean about the whole truth.

I informed her that our relationship was over and I never want to see her again, let alone think about marriage.

I gave her until Thursday afternoon to move out of our place, which I entirely cover financially, and I requested that she leave her engagement ring in a clearly visible spot.

Not even 5 minutes before my friend dropped off the package with my fiance, I missed two calls from her.

She followed up with several nervous texts asking my whereabouts, why I wasn’t answering, and why I wasn’t at work.

I can only guess that Bob had called her in a panic, perhaps thinking someone was on to him and they could get away with it.

After receiving my package, about half an hour before more missed calls and texts from her asking me to call her, then came a text saying, “It’s not what it looks like.”
Unbelievable.

Just before I started typing this, I received two very emotional voicemails from her.

The first one was nearly unintelligible as she screamed and cried, and in the second she admitted that she couldn’t deny the photo’s reality but claimed it was the first and only time they had ever done anything.

She suggested that Bob took advantage of her when they got too drunk on Friday, and one thing led to another.

I then told a lie, which is unusual for me, but I texted only one thing in response:
“I saw you two holding hands under the table at our dinner party in September.

The same private detective has been gathering evidence for months now.

I only asked for the photos from this weekend to make it undeniable.

We are finished.

However, if you want this to end as amicably as possible, you must do the right thing and A, stop lying, B, stop taking me for a fool, and C, tell the whole truth.

I don’t actually care what you have to say, but if you don’t come clean to me and thus to yourself about why you did this, I guarantee you will continue to repeat this destructive cycle for the rest of your life.”
I haven’t received any response at all.

I want to express my gratitude for the advice from people here, even those suggesting a more drastic approach like sharing this with her family.

However, that’s not my style.

I know myself well.

This situation is and will be profoundly traumatic for me.

To survive, I must stay true to who I am.

While I appreciate stories of people seeking revenge for infidelity, planning and executing such things is not in my nature.

My strength will come from not having an in-person conversation with her about this, permanently ending our engagement, refusing to entertain the possibility of reconciliation, and asking her to vacate our shared space.

Lastly, I have to admit a petty thought despite my efforts to remain composed and dignified while writing this.

Although Bob is younger than me, somewhere between her age and mine, he is less intelligent, less emotionally sensitive, something I thought she valued, and the ironic part is that I’m objectively much better looking than him.

I know it sounds superficial, but it’s true.

I’ve often been compared to a well-known British movie star in romantic comedies.

This guy, while more muscular, looks like a bulldog.

I just can’t comprehend it.

He and his wife also have two young kids, so there’s that too.

I apologize for not fully addressing various questions some of you have asked this past week, but I feel like I’ve been navigating from one nightmare to the next.

At least now I have the peace of mind that I’m not losing my sanity.

I have a therapy session booked for next Tuesday, the earliest available, and I’m staying with my friend.

Fortunately, he’s single, so I’m not inconveniencing a family.

I’m also sorry for the scattered nature of this message, but it reflects the state of my mind.

Update.

As expected, the past day and a half has been incredibly tough.

Monday night, my now ex-girlfriend figured out where I was staying, came over, and insisted that my friend let her in.

He didn’t allow her in, and in fact he had to physically stop her from entering.

This led to a barrage of texts and tearful voicemails where she expressed a desire for a second chance and claimed that the past weekend was the only time they had a physical affair.

She admitted that it had been an emotional affair since last July 2020.

I chose not to respond to any of her messages.

So, after a day of attempting to shower me with affection from Monday afternoon to Tuesday afternoon, her texts turned nastier.

Last night she asserted that my attempts to break up her relationship with Bob and the other betrayed spouse were ineffective and would fail because the other betrayed spouse understands the value of forgiveness.

I find it rather astonishing that she, A, believes she has insight into the other betrayed spouse’s mindset, and B, that the other betrayed spouse has already granted such swift forgiveness.

Finally, I broke my silence and asked her a simple question: “Why?”
After some hesitation, she essentially conveyed that because I’m a perfectionist, she stopped feeling like she could freely express herself with me early in our relationship, around the 2-year mark.

She claimed that Bob makes her feel secure and protected and that they can discuss anything.

When I pressed her for details on how I hindered open communication, she could only recall minor arguments from the early stages of our relationship, which A, I believed we had resolved, and B, weren’t solely related to my perfectionism.

Despite everything, she wants us to try again and insists that she’s willing to do whatever it takes.

She has asked me not to confide in anyone, such as my family or friends, about this because she believes we can fix it.

I, however, don’t believe her at all.

At this point, I feel completely drained of emotions and utterly exhausted.

I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep since Sunday, so I might consider taking some sleeping pills tonight.

On a final note, apologies for the disorganization.

My self-esteem has taken a severe blow.

My emotional and spiritual image of my ex-girlfriend has been shattered, making any future with her impossible.

Trust has been irreparably damaged.

While I do have some sense of relief that I’ve avoided a life with someone of such low integrity, I can’t help but dwell on physical aspects.

I’m plagued by humiliating questions.

Did I not satisfy her enough during our intimate moments?

Was my physical appearance not to her liking?

Did she desire a different body type?

Although I have no knowledge of their actions, the mere thought is incredibly distressing.

Update.

The past week has been absolutely unbelievable.

It’s as if it flew by in the blink of an eye, yet it felt like an eternity.

Wednesday night was a mess.

My fiance called me and adamantly declared that she would not move out under any circumstances.

I responded by telling her that she had to, or else I would share the incriminating photos with her family.

Harsh words were exchanged between us, and I had a sleepless night.

Thursday morning, I received the sweetest text from her, full of apologies for the previous night’s altercation.

She promised to pack her belongings and spend the weekend at a friend’s place, pleading with me not to disclose anything to anyone.

She believed we could mend things and make them right.

I questioned why I shouldn’t reveal the real reason our wedding was off, and she insisted it would ruin any chance of reconciliation.

I returned to my place on Thursday night, and it was incredibly difficult to be there.

I mentioned before how it felt like a break-in, but with a twisted twist where you know your house has been invaded, yet your eyes fail to provide concrete evidence.

Most of her belongings were gone, but she had left behind the engagement ring.

Something compelled me to reach out to my fiance’s ex-boyfriend, the one she cheated on with me.

I found him easily on Facebook and sent him a message letting him know I had something important to discuss and asking him to call me.

To my surprise, he called within 45 minutes.

Our conversation was brief but impactful.

I learned a crucial piece of information.

Their engagement had ended because of her repeated infidelity.

He had an event to attend that night but invited me to have dinner with him the following evening.

As I drove the three-plus hours to his town the next day, I finally had the chance to reflect on the incredible 100 hours or so in my life.

The revelation that my wayward fiance had cheated on the previous man filled me with a whirlwind of emotions: anger, relief, sadness, confusion, embarrassment, and many more.

About an hour away from his place, I mustered the courage to pull over at a picturesque rest stop.

I dialed the number of the other betrayed spouse, not expecting her to answer.

To my surprise, she did.

There were lengthy, tearful silences on her end.

She revealed that her husband had cheated on her before their wedding and when she was 6 months pregnant with their second child.

They had worked through their issues, and as far as she knew, everything was better.

Disturbingly, despite her husband’s multiple infidelities, she framed my wayward fiance as the aggressor and her husband as the victim of a predatory woman.

What shocked me even more was her statement that many people knew about my fiance’s infidelity with her ex-fiance but had kept it from me to spare my feelings.

Finally, when I inquired about her plans, she revealed that he was willing to do whatever it takes to mend things with my wayward fiance, including counseling and full transparency.

For these reasons and more, she decided to stay with him.

The most important detail she casually mentioned at the end of our conversation was her eagerness to start over with him after Easter weekend, as he had an unexpected business trip over the weekend, leaving on Friday and returning yesterday, Monday.

With the fog of deception from my wayward fiance finally clearing, my senses were on high alert, and I immediately contacted my excellent private detective to inform him of this development.

After the initial exposure of the affair, he had advised me to retain his services a little longer because it’s common for exposed individuals like Bob to continue their affairs but become more cautious about concealing them.

Consequently, I authorized further investigative work on his part.

I met with my wayward fiance’s ex, and we went to a steakhouse.

The first 30 minutes were incredibly challenging, with two men who had both been betrayed by the same woman, each grappling with a whirlwind of emotions.

However, the conversation gradually improved.

He shared details about my wayward fiance’s numerous infidelities that he knew of during their relationship and his deep regret for repeatedly taking her back.

Strangely, what convinced him to reconcile with her was her comparing him favorably to her other partners, saying, “How could I be so foolish to be with an inferior man when I have you?”
I could sense the mix of emotions within him upon learning about my situation.

Part of him felt anger and sorrow on my behalf, but another part, on a more primal level, seemed relieved that his worst suspicions about her had been confirmed.

I understood this complex response and didn’t interpret it as deriving pleasure from my suffering, but rather as finding closure that it wasn’t about him or his shortcomings in their relationship.

Understanding this, partially thanks to this incredible community, was also liberating for me.

As much as Friday turned out well, Saturday was dreadful.

I woke up to a venomous message on my private Facebook group dedicated to the now-canceled wedding, consisting of the groomsmen, bridesmaids, and our two main families.

To simplify, my wayward fiance posted a message stating that unfortunately the wedding was off.

She added that despite our efforts to address the emotional strain in the last few years of our relationship, I couldn’t overcome my negative patterns, insinuating that I might try to spin the situation differently.

I was utterly shocked, although in hindsight I can’t say it was entirely unexpected.

Many people here had cautioned me about this possibility.

I won’t delve into my emotions on that day.

I did nothing I would later regret.

In fact, I maintained complete silence, not communicating with her or the group.

Of course, my own family is aware of the situation.

However, I can’t help but wonder why she had a change of heart after her Thursday morning texts expressing a desire to reconcile with me.

Was the allure of being with her Bob so irresistibly intoxicating?

Her actions truly puzzle me.

You would think she’d want to keep me around while enjoying the secret excitement of her affair.

She must genuinely despise me if she could write a note like that, fully aware that I’ll likely never speak to her again.

It’s both disgusting and astonishing.

To make matters better, if that’s even the right word, I later found out that my wayward fiance and Bob had checked into a luxurious spa about 90 minutes outside of town that Friday night.

More photos, more evidence.

They dined at a lovely restaurant in the spa resort, making it rather easy to capture numerous pictures of a couple deeply in love, seated beside each other at this romantic getaway.

I’m running out of energy for this update, so I’ll try to wrap it up as succinctly as possible.

By yesterday afternoon, armed with photographic proof from two affair-filled weekends, I selected the six most compelling photos and shared them with our Facebook wedding group.

I apologized for the delay in responding to my wayward fiance’s deceitful Saturday message, explaining that I had been visiting her ex-fiance and was disappointed, though not surprised, to discover that she had engaged in similar behavior before.

I asked the group to genuinely reflect on whether any part of me had ever appeared even remotely offensive emotionally.

I also inquired whether my wayward fiance had ever mentioned to any of them before the affair was exposed that I was emotionally offensive.

I felt that honest answers to these questions, in addition to the damning photos, would reveal the truth.

I’ve received several supportive messages from most members of the group, with the ones from the bridesmaids providing an extra boost of encouragement.

Her father has invited me for coffee this week.

He holds me in high regard.

However, I’m not entirely sure I want to meet him despite our close relationship.

Lastly, as liberating as it has been to break free from this tumultuous relationship that lasted 5 years, most of me is shattered beyond belief.

I not only question my supposed ability to observe and understand someone I lived with for 5 years, but I’m also deeply concerned about the profound damage this experience will inevitably inflict on all my future relationships.

Yes, I am free, but I will never fully trust again.

Update.

I want to address something that many people have inquired about but I haven’t mentioned yet.

She is an exceptionally beautiful woman, often compared to Blake Lively in terms of her looks.

I hope it’s okay to use celebrity names here.

If not, I apologize and will edit it.

I want to clarify that I’m not mentioning this because I want her back.

I’m simply highlighting that throughout her life, she has always turned heads wherever she goes.

Her ex mentioned on Friday night that part of the reason he kept taking her back was because he felt he would do anything to keep such a stunning woman in his life.

Since discovering her infidelity, my attitude has certainly changed.

However, it’s possible that my biggest struggle right now, my complete and utter blindness to what was happening, stemmed from believing that the woman inside mirrored the beauty on the surface.

I didn’t hire a private investigator to gather more proof because the initial photos told me everything I needed to know.

What left me in disbelief was the fact that after all that, both she and he could, within days, continue their affair so openly as if D-Day meant nothing.

Part of me had thought that the private investigator might find nothing this past weekend.

Those photos shattered any lingering hope that this could be overcome.

I appreciate the harsh reality check provided by the additional evidence.

I wanted to give her the opportunity to confess to her family and our wedding party on her own terms.

Some of our discussions last week indicated that she might take that option.

My basic threat of saying, “If you don’t tell the truth about why the wedding is off, I will have to be the one to do it,” was not some kind of game.

Update.

I’m currently out of town on a business trip, and now that I’m alone in my hotel room, it feels like the first time in a while that I can breathe and reflect.

On Wednesday, I contacted the other betrayed spouse and requested a meeting with her.

She said she understood why I wanted to meet and that she didn’t want to endure more pain.

She’s a close friend of one of the bridesmaids who informed her about my Facebook post.

I expressed my concern to her about how her husband was continually causing her harm and told her that meeting with me and seeing the photos from the second affair weekend might unexpectedly empower her in the long run.

She disagreed.

My wayward fiance has been reaching out through texts, calls, and even emails ever since I posted about her second weekend of infidelity on Facebook.

It’s been 10 days, and during this time I haven’t directly responded to her at all.

Her tone in the messages has shifted from anger and spite on the day of the Facebook post to sadness and despair in the middle of the week.

Recently, she’s been begging, pleading, negotiating, and making promises in her attempts to reach out.

I discovered a handwritten letter from her in my mailbox explaining why she believes she deserves another chance and outlining a plan to make amends for everything.

I believe it was the right decision to reveal the true reasons for canceling our wedding to our friends and family.

Not only did it immediately refute her false claims of me being an offensive person, but it was also the least severe consequence of her not choosing the path of honesty to explain why our relationship ended.

I’ve talked to the groomsmen and two of the bridesmaids, and it’s evident that they swiftly supported me and turned against her for her infidelity and her audacity in suggesting that I was offensive.

Part of me is superficially concerned that her sudden change of heart and desire to reconcile may be influenced by the community’s response to her actions.

I worry that if there had been less condemnation from our group and if a few had believed her lies, she might not be so quick to beg for my forgiveness.

However, I can’t dwell on that.

I know it might disappoint some of you, but I agreed to meet with her father on Thursday.

We met for afternoon drinks at his golf club, and our conversation was long, difficult, and intricate.

Her father holds a prominent position in our city and is a highly influential individual.

I need to be cautious with what I share beyond that.

He confided in me that he had two significant affairs when my wayward fiance was younger, something she never disclosed to me.

He feels responsible for her infidelity towards me, explaining that she has always looked up to him.

He admitted that he didn’t do a good job of explaining to his daughter, when both affairs were exposed, why his actions were so wrong and how they might have harmed her mother, the children, and the extended family.

He told me that my wayward fiance has never loved another man as deeply as she has loved me, and this is the first time someone has held her accountable for her poor behavior.

He suggested that I possess significant power in this situation and have an opportunity akin to a god to grant his daughter forgiveness and redemption.

He believed that my ability to forgive her and rebuild our relationship would not only demonstrate greatness but also ensure her unwavering loyalty to me for life.

I must admit that there was a certain allure in the ideas surrounding those words.

However, he made a mistake when he mentioned that due to his influence and reputation, he could open doors for me through certain means.

I could see how his name could indeed enable such actions.

Yet when he proposed this to me, I lost my composure.

In a split second, I realized that there was little difference between his belief that his name and power could absolve any wrongdoing and my wayward fiance’s belief that her physical beauty could excuse her numerous infidelities.

Thanks to the insights I’ve gained from this thread, I found the words to respond.
“I don’t think you understand.

It will take years for your daughter to reenter my life in any capacity.”
I explained that for me to consider being with her again, I would need to see genuine understanding, empathy, self-awareness, and sincere remorse.

I also noted her journey towards that will be long, as she has engaged in this behavior for years and her damage runs deep.

To his credit, he respected my stance and asked for more time.

On Friday morning, a few hours before I was scheduled to go to the airport, the other betrayed spouse called and, with a trembling voice, requested to meet for coffee.

I agreed to meet.

Out of respect and dignity, I won’t divulge the details of the painful 40 minutes we spent together.

However, witnessing the second set of photos was a harrowing experience for her, and it was difficult for her to process.

By the end of our conversation, though, she seemed to be making some progress in coming to terms with the reality of her husband’s actions, with one of her own friends no less.

I believe she has started her own slow and challenging journey towards healing.

I briefly considered directing her to this thread, but I ultimately decided to keep this private, not wanting to complicate an already complex and sensitive situation further.

Finally, yesterday, just before dinner, I received a lengthy email from my wayward fiance’s mother.

She showed empathy for how I might be feeling, but went on to share that her daughter had confessed all the details of her affair to her.

She mentioned that her daughter was utterly broken, and she requested that I, to some extent, take time to consider giving her another chance.

It felt as though my pain and emotions in all of this were relegated to a mere afterthought.

Update.

I got back home yesterday evening, and true to her word, my wayward fiance had left a handwritten letter in my mailbox.

Initially, I resisted the temptation to open it and even went to bed undecided about whether I should read it at all.

However, sleep eluded me, and I eventually gave in, opening the letter.

My intention was to sleep on it, gather my thoughts, and then share a summary of the letter here.

So here I am today.

She began with a straightforward apology, expressing her deep regret for the pain she has caused me.

Next, she mentioned that she and her Bob have decided to end their relationship for good.

She then delved into explicit and almost clinical detail about how I had been her best lover, offering comparisons to Bob and her previous partners.

While I no longer care about this aspect, I’ll give her credit for the level of detail she provided, which was both unusual and somewhat touching.

She proceeded to lay out a timeline of how things unfolded.

A few weeks before the September dinner party, where I suspected they were holding hands under the table, Bob called her to discuss his marital issues with his wife, who happened to be my wayward fiance’s friend.

Apparently, he sought her insights.

They met for coffee one workday morning, roughly 7 or 8 days before the dinner party, which led to a week of texting between them.

On the morning of our dinner party, while pretending to be on an extended shopping trip, they met in a park.

There, he confessed his deep infatuation for her.

She admitted to feeling ashamed for falling for his words, but his primary argument was that if she felt even a fraction of what he did for her, she should scratch that itch before committing to marriage.

She claimed she firmly declined his proposition.

But during the dinner party that same evening, he played footsies with her under the table.

She regarded it as unlucky that I happened to glance back just as he made physical contact with her.

She mentioned he initiated this as well.

Their first kiss happened in late October.

Incredibly, while she was visiting Bob and the other betrayed spouse’s home for drinks and dinner during a weekend when I was away, the other betrayed spouse had gone to put their children to bed after dinner.

During this time, he passionately kissed my wayward fiance while his wife was out of the room.

She acknowledged it was wrong but found it thrilling.

Throughout November, he apparently pressured her heavily to get me to agree to have him and the other betrayed spouse join us on our January vacation.

A significant portion of their text messages in November and December revolved around various scenarios he devised for them to engage in an illicit affair right under our noses.

She provided vague details about when their affair began, mentioning it started in early February.

They insisted on meeting in my house as often as they could manage.

She claimed that his ultimate thrill was to humiliate me.

Surprisingly, her main argument was as follows.

She acknowledged that infidelity might run in her family or be in her DNA, but she claimed she was completely willing to leave all of that behind because I am the perfect man.

Her twisted logic was that by having this affair, she could cleanse herself of her demons and prepare for a committed life with me.

She also mentioned that one of the main attractions of the affair was her strange aversion to this man, the very one who made her feel safe and secure, combined with his desire to humiliate me.

She believed her self-disgust for choosing him would finally help her overcome her last temptation to cheat.

Additionally, she stated that she would be living with her parents indefinitely.

She expressed her intention to undergo therapy for the first time in her life.

She promised to write me a monthly letter to update me on her progress.

She claimed she wanted to win me back, but only on my terms.

She admitted that my decision to cut her off the way I did made her realize how much she truly loves and wants me, and she was devastated by her actions.

Regarding her previous comments about emotional offensiveness, she sort of apologized, particularly for their public nature, but she didn’t completely retract her statements.

Instead, she recalibrated her remarks to suggest that I hold myself and others to too high a moral standard, which she finds suffocating.

She acknowledged her admiration for my integrity, but argued that it’s impossible to live up to the perfectionist ideals I hold for myself and others.

She suggested I reflect on this last comment.

Honestly, after reading all of this, I’m too emotionally exhausted to express how I feel.

I don’t even know which emotions are left or available to me at this point.

I’ll never be able to see her in the same way again.

Perhaps I’m too demanding in my standards, and maybe I need to be more forgiving when it comes to my own flaws and those of others.

But there are aspects that still pull me towards her.

Rest assured, I will continue to maintain no contact with her.

The other betrayed spouse has reached out to me requesting another coffee meeting this Thursday because our previous coffee chat apparently helped.

Update.

The community’s analysis of my wayward fiance’s letter provided the necessary wake-up call for me to read her words with the insight needed to see through all the nonsense, manipulations, and evasions.

My challenge was to retrieve the engagement ring while still maintaining my no-contact stance with my wayward fiance.

So late on Tuesday night, I sent an email to my wayward fiance’s father expressing my appreciation for his daughter’s letter, but explaining that by not returning the ring, she wasn’t respecting the boundaries I had set.

He responded early the next morning, agreeing with me and suggesting we meet for lunch at an exclusive restaurant.

What a family indeed.

During the first half of our lunch, we talked about everything but the underlying issue at hand.

It was like skirting around a 700-ton iceberg beneath the surface of the conversation.

Eventually, though, he produced the ring and returned it to me, but not without some theatrics.

He continued to blame himself for his daughter’s problems and mentioned her mental health being under great threat due to the shock of being denied something she wants, which apparently is me, for the first time in her life.

However, things took a sour turn between us when, near the end of the meal, I leaned back in my chair, observed him carefully for about 10 or 15 seconds, making him quite uncomfortable, and then said:
“You know, let me tell you something.

By the time I was 13, and it’s possible I was even younger, my mother instilled in me a powerful mantra: take responsibility for your actions.
“When I was younger, I was skilled at finding ways to shift blame for my wrongdoings onto others or other excuses.

My mother taught me before I was even in high school that it is liberating to own up to our mistakes.

It’s empowering.”
He appeared torn between anger and embarrassment, and a lengthy silence hung between us.

I gently slid a photocopy of his daughter’s letter across the table, saying, “I’m sure you haven’t read this.”
It was evident that there was no way he had read the letter in its entirety.

He crumpled it up and pushed it back across the table to me.

Then, in a sinister tone, he said, “If you can’t accept your fiance’s truths at face value, then you two have no hope of reconciling this unfortunate temporary situation.”
When I looked at him utterly stunned and said nothing, he continued.
“It would please me to see you two back together.

I don’t appreciate the way you spoke to me this afternoon, and frankly, I thought you had considerably more class than this.

But I’ll attribute it to the grief you’re experiencing.

You need to do the right thing here.”
So I asked, “And what is that?”
He just stared at me for about 5 seconds, said nothing, walked over to pay the bill at the front, and then left.

So that man could have been my future father-in-law.

But in reality, I had a great coffee meeting with the other betrayed spouse a few hours ago.

It was tough because I shared the contents of my wayward fiance’s letter with her, although I chose not to show it to her for various reasons I’m content with.

She then proceeded to tell me her husband Bob’s version of events, which was quite astonishing.

It was essentially my wayward fiance’s letter, but with the blame shifted onto her.

He portrayed himself as the victim while she was the aggressive offender.

Oh, and he mentioned that my wayward fiance justified it all by claiming I’m emotionally offensive.

Beyond the shock of that, it became clear from her timeline that the affair had likely started as early as June 2020.

Bob had certainly confessed to certain events from around that time, with my wayward fiance acting as the agent of influence and temptation in each case.

After we shared our respective tales from the crypt, something incredible happened.

We both began laughing, nervously at first, then moved to immature giggling, and finally we were in fits of laughter.

It was a beautiful and cathartic moment.

Honestly, it was the most liberating and lighthearted feeling I’ve experienced in months.

She later got a bit teary-eyed, expressing that she didn’t know what she was going to do.

However, she recognized that he is just as troubled as my wayward fiance, and she needs to find a way to extricate herself from him somehow.

So that’s where things stand.

Despite the uplifting and empowering experiences of the past 48 hours or so, as I sit here writing this post, I suddenly find myself overwhelmed by sadness, loneliness, and a sense that I may never fully recover from this and may never be able to trust again.

One thing is certain.

I won’t be taking my wayward fiance back.

I’m in the process of drafting a final letter to her, politely asking her to leave my life forever.

What a mess.

And as I’ve asked before and will continue to ask, what was all this for?

Edit.

The following letter was sent yesterday afternoon.

I know some of you may disapprove, especially those who have questioned why send a letter at all, but I felt it was important to share what I wrote with this community.

Despite the expected negative reactions, it feels good to have written and sent it.

Obviously her name is not Blake, but Blake.

This letter is in three parts.

This is the last time I’ll be communicating with you.

I request that you refrain from contacting me in any way from now on.

I also kindly ask that neither your family nor any friends reach out to me on your behalf in the future.

If you or your family disregard this boundary, I may have to resort to legal action to protect myself.

Our relationship has been irreparably damaged due to your choices and actions.

Regarding your letter, I’m pleased to hear that you’re seeking therapy.

I hope it proves beneficial and that during that process you can achieve a level of self-honesty you’ve never had before.

The environment around you has supported and continues to support your behavior, so even if you manage to address the significant voids within yourself, you’ll need to break free from your family’s influence.

I appreciate you returning the ring.

I’d like to reminisce about a moment, possibly the last time when we were genuinely happy together.

During the peak of the Covid pandemic, we escaped to your parents’ cabin by the ocean for a memorable long weekend.

One Friday afternoon, we were exploring some high rocks and you ventured dangerously close to the edge, risking falling into the sea.

I pulled you back and cautioned you about the danger.

Later that evening by the fire, when we discussed that moment, you said, “Risk is good.

It makes us feel incredibly alive, and besides, I know you will always be there to pull me back.”
Now I understand that everything about you and your intentions to ruin our relationship were encapsulated in that one moment.

While I’m slightly disappointed in myself for not realizing it sooner, I’m now thankful that I see you for who you truly are.

I only hope you can gather the courage to change, but I won’t be a part of that process.

Update.

This morning, I had breakfast with the maid of honor for the wedding that will never happen.

She was with my former fiance on Saturday when she received my final email.

Apparently, my ex-fiance was extremely devastated and spent the entire night inconsolable in her room.

It’s hard not to find this amusing, as it sounds like the reaction of a 13-year-old who can’t have a sleepover with their best friend on a Saturday night.

More worryingly, the maid of honor also informed me that when her father read the note, he became furious and simply said, “He will pay.”
Frankly, I’m very concerned about the possibility that he might seek revenge against me.

I acknowledge that many of you here have warned about this as well.

So what can I do to protect myself from this potential threat?

Additionally, as a quick note, while the maid of honor is a true friend to my former fiance, she’s also been supportive of me throughout this ordeal.

Towards the end of our breakfast this morning, I expressed my gratitude for keeping me updated and asked her why she wanted to help.

She shared something I wasn’t aware of.

She broke up with her long-term partner about a year ago because he repeatedly cheated on her.

What’s particularly interesting is that the maid of honor believes that my ex-fiance was initially drawn to her as a friend for the same reason she was attracted to me as a boyfriend.

We both embody stability, reliability, and integrity, qualities that my ex-fiance seems to lack herself.

The maid of honor wasn’t surprised that my ex-fiance cheated on me, as she believes she has a history of doing so, although she thought I might be an exception.

She continues to be a friend to my ex-fiance, but also empathizes with me and believes I’ve done the right thing.

Now onto some concerns about another betrayed spouse.

Until Thursday, we had been exchanging light texts every day, offering support and encouragement.

However, I haven’t heard from her since we met, which is understandable considering we’re both dealing with our grief.

In addition to not hearing from her, the maid of honor mentions that the other betrayed spouse has been sending numerous angry and hurtful messages to my ex-fiance via text, phone calls, and emails over the past few days.

This raises a concern and a question for everyone here.

Concern: I worry that the other betrayed spouse’s anger towards my ex-fiance might be influenced by Bob’s negative influence, and she might be inclined to place blame solely on my ex-fiance rather than the wayward spouse.

I’m concerned about her well-being.

This leads to the question: What should my boundaries be in this situation?

I feel that as you all have supported me gently, I should do the same for the other betrayed spouse.

However, I believe that I can guide but not insist, just as you can lead a horse to water.

I wonder how persistent I should be in offering support.

Many of you have suggested being there for her, and I have tried to do that, but I can also understand why I might remind her of the pain she’s experiencing, and talking to me might bring back memories of the similar harm done to her.

I appreciate your help in advance on these matters.

As for myself, I’m experiencing emotional ups and downs.

I have no desire to have my ex-fiance back in any form.

This is who I am now.

However, I’m currently struggling with the idea of closeness in future relationships.

I’m afraid quite strongly that, A, I’ll bring a lack of confidence to the process, which has never been an issue before.

Closeness has always been a positive, powerful, life-affirming experience for me.

And B, I’m concerned that intrusive thoughts will intrude when I’m trying to enjoy the company of someone completely different from my ex-fiance.

Perhaps these concerns are somewhat irrelevant at this point, since my focus should be on surviving this next period without dwelling on the idea of a new relationship.

I apologize for the disorganization of this post.

It’s more of a mind dump after a crucial meeting with someone deeply involved in this situation from both sides.

Best of luck to everyone.

Update.

This morning, the police called me to let me know that my ex-fiance, who had previously been unfaithful, has made a false accusation against me.

My lawyer is aware that I use this forum and, while acknowledging its positive impact on my mental well-being, has advised me not to discuss any further details until this matter is resolved.

Needless to say, this accusation is entirely untrue, and I am deeply distressed.

Update.

It’s been quite a draining month.

Even though I haven’t posted here in a long time, I still lack the energy to provide a detailed account of all the recent events.

Here’s a concise summary.

The good news is that the police investigation didn’t last long, only 11 days.

My lawyer called me on the first Monday in May to inform me that the police were dropping the case, and that was the end of it.

I continued going to work during that week and a half, as it helped me stay sane.

When I received the good news, it took me a few days to process everything properly.

By the end of that week, I decided it would be good for my mental health to take a 5-day staycation.

I took Monday through Wednesday off last week.

On the Friday when my vacation began, May 7th, I was having a pleasant barbecue in my backyard, sipping wine and enjoying the evening’s coolness, when my ex-fiance suddenly appeared through the side gate.

It was surreal to see her.

It had been a while.

Honestly, she looked like a different person, or rather, I didn’t recognize her.

It was an odd yet reassuring feeling, making me think that maybe I’ve been moving on from her more quickly than I realized.

She apologized for essentially breaking in but insisted on speaking with me in person.

I felt real anger during the first two-thirds of the encounter.

First, due to the unavoidable context, her infidelity and how it had shattered our lives.

Second, because she was dressed provocatively, seemingly hoping to seduce me, and she was acting very flirtatious, as if we were on our second or third date about to sleep together for the first time.

Third, she had violated my personal space.

And finally, because of what she said.

Without explicitly stating it, she suggested that her father had coerced her into making the accusation.

She claimed that due to her father’s connections with parts of the police force, it was all part of a game to scare me.

However, when she realized the consequences for me, she had a change of heart and stated that she had made the accusation while in a deep state of mental distress, almost like a fugue state.

To my credit, I managed to remain remarkably calm and did a few things.

I conveyed the immense hurt and damage she had caused me and made it clear that I would never truly forgive her.

I informed her that I want absolutely no connection with her or her family from now on.

I told her that the best thing she could do for me was to never communicate with me again.

I mentioned my conversation with her ex-partner, which made her very angry.

However, to her credit, she managed to control her anger and used it as an opportunity to acknowledge that she’s deeply troubled.

She recognized the need for genuine therapy to understand why she had been cheating for so long and to break free from her family’s unhealthy influence over her.

To her credit, she listened attentively and offered an apology.

She admitted that she now understood our relationship was over, and she promised to leave me alone.

She did add that, A, she had only been unfaithful once, and B, her ex-partner wasn’t as great as me in any way, etc., and that she felt somewhat coerced by him.

I simply shook my head sadly and watched her walk away.

I had a truly relaxing weekend, and in the end, my encounter with her had been liberating in many ways.

However, the following Monday, my ex-fiance sent me an email with a revealing photo of her sunbathing.

I chose not to respond.

The next day, she sent an even more revealing photo with a note saying, “I know you can’t dislike these that much if you aren’t telling me to stop.”
Then, on the same day, she sent me a fairly explicit video of herself.

At that point, I did respond, expressing anger and informing her that I would pursue legal action to remove her and her family from my life because of their relentless pursuit.

Later that evening, she wrote back, apologized, and said she recognized her need for help and wouldn’t contact me again.

I haven’t heard from her since, though it’s only been 5 days now.

The most complex part of my update is the following.

The other betrayed spouse reached out to me on Friday night, apologizing for her silence, and we had a pleasant exchange both then and throughout Saturday.

It was so pleasant that she essentially invited herself over for drinks yesterday afternoon.

On the surface, she’s trying to break free from her manipulative and toxic husband, but deep down, it’s evident to me that she’s still in love with him and might want to hurt him as much as she can, whether to win him back or for some other reason.

To get to the point, we shared a passionate kiss.

I wonder if it’s strange that my ex-fiance’s photos and video aroused me.

My desire had all but disappeared during this ordeal, so the strange combination of feeling like my ex is truly out of my life, coupled with the appreciation of those photos, awakened some dormant desire in me.

I could have slept with the other betrayed spouse, but we both realized at the same time how easily it could lead to closeness, so we stopped.

However, she has been texting me frequently since then and is trying to arrange another meeting.

I know this is not a good situation.

The temptations are apparent.

One, I haven’t had closeness in a long time and am not ready to start dating, so this might seem convenient.

Two, a sense of revenge.

Three, I feel like I’m one of her few healthy supports.

I’m also aware enough to understand that probably less than 5% of her behavior is driven by genuine attraction or desire for me, and it’s mostly about her unhealthy feelings towards her unfaithful husband.

I also realized that if I had closeness with her, it would increase the chances of my ex-fiance returning to the picture, but in an even more disturbed and obsessive manner.

That sums up my entire update.

In reality, it might not be as dramatic as some of my previous updates.

Overall, I believe I’m moving forward in a better place, resisting the temptation of my ex-fiance and feeling less hurt and broken than when I first learned about the betrayal.

However, I do acknowledge that I am damaged, as evidenced by my decision to kiss the other betrayed spouse, and I will continue to seek counseling.

Lastly, it was reassuring to check in from time to time and see people’s support and care.

This place has been truly wonderful for me.

I want to express my gratitude for the helpful responses.

One of the main reasons I’ve stayed here and relied on it as my primary source of non-legal advice is that I read genuinely helpful, sober, and honest guidance in a safe environment.

It’s like a much-needed reality check for those trying to navigate the aftermath of betrayal.

Looking at my actions since my ex-fiance unexpectedly showed up at my place, it’s clear that her visit sent me into a bit of a tailspin.

However, I now feel like I’ve broken free from the effects of the past week or so.

I had a productive conversation with my lawyer early this morning.

He wasn’t pleased with me for even responding to my ex-wayward spouse, but he’s relieved that I haven’t taken any action with those photos and videos, like forwarding or downloading them.

One important point to note: some posters have suggested that I delete all of those emails from her, but my lawyer strongly disagrees.

He believes that they constitute clear evidence of ongoing stalking by my ex-fiance and her family.

Indeed, I’m pleased to report that he is taking careful steps to initiate legal action against my ex-fiance and her family.

This legal action is related to their false accusation against me and a well-documented pattern of stalking and intimidation.

I’ve also blocked her on all available platforms.

My brother, a truly wonderful person, is arriving on Thursday and will be staying with me for 7 to 10 days.

It’ll be a great opportunity to spend quality time together, especially since he has a busy life as a husband and father.

He’ll also serve as a sort of moral compass to help me avoid falling into any of the traps that ensnared me last week.

On a related note, I just had a productive phone call with the other betrayed spouse.

Without any prompting from me, she acknowledged that our brief kiss was inappropriate and driven by a desire for revenge more than anything else.

She fully understands why we can’t see each other in the near to medium-term future, so that shouldn’t be an issue.

However, she does want me to be a kind of informal counselor for her over the phone.

I gently but firmly explained that I can’t take on that role.

While she was upset because her previous therapy experiences didn’t go well and she views me as a safe person, I emphasized that, A, it’s unhealthy for me to be her quasi-therapist, B, I need to distance myself from all individuals involved in this tragedy, and C, she should have someone safe ask the more challenging questions to empower herself and hopefully break free from her offensive husband.

I believe she will respect my request for no contact between us for the next several months because she recognizes the precarious legal situation I was in and doesn’t want to jeopardize safety.

Additionally, I have a fortunate piece of information to share.

My observant neighbor informed me last week that they saw my ex-fiance sneaking in the side gate on that Friday night.

He is willing to provide a statement about this, and my lawyer believes it’s a valuable card to keep in our back pocket, potentially constituting trespass if needed.

It feels empowering to take proactive steps against my ex-fiance and her family.

I felt like a victim throughout this ordeal, and my ultimate goal is not necessarily justice or compensation, but simply to have the father and daughter leave me in peace.

Lastly, reflecting on the past 7 days or so, I realize the profound damage I’ve suffered from all of this.

I’ve been so occupied with taking action and being productive since discovering the infidelities, most of it positive and useful, that I may not have properly begun the grieving process.

While part of me yearns for the companionship of a good woman, I understand that it would be unfair and selfish to burden her with my emotional baggage while this damage is still fresh.

I do feel quite lonely, though, and I hope my brother’s visit will help alleviate some of that loneliness.